Saturday marks one year since my dad’s passing. I wrote a letter of what I would want to tell myself on that day:
Dear Izzy- it’s me or you (depending on how we look at it) from the future:
It’s going to suck. You’ll feel like you can’t breath. You’ll not know how to move on or what path to take in your life. You are about to plan a funeral, hunt for the will, discover the mess of finances and taxes, you will receive a bill from the hospital for over half a million dollars (insurance will cover it– don’t panic), you’ ll go to court for the twins and win, learn how to navigate public high-school as a parent, find life insurance, sign up for social security benefits, help with homework and you’ll need lawyers . You will be stressed but you can do it. The twins won’t think you’re cool anymore but they will love you more than ever and you will love them more than you ever thought was possible. Charlotte will feel her grief far differently from you. Poppy and Jasper will cry but not want to talk about it until they are ready.
It’s okay to get in your car, drive up the coast, blast music and ugly cry. You’ll feel better. You will be angry with daddy and you’ll miss daddy. Don’t move- you will want to move and stress out about moving but change as little as possible. Everyone will ask you to do a million and one things. The twins and Charlotte need you but don’t forget to take care of you and say what you need. You’ll be on your way to your first day at a new job and go to call daddy only to remember that he can’t answer- call Charlotte instead. She is your biggest support in life and you hers. It will be a year of firsts- all of them difficult because you hate change. Remember what daddy used to say about his mum-
It doesn’t matter how much time passes, sometimes I just want my mum to make me a cup of tea.
You will always miss his advice, his biggest bear hugs when he wouldn’t let go of you, the smell of his cooking when you walk through the door, the way he looked at you when he was proud of you. It never gets better but it gets easier. The best gift daddy ever gave you and the sibs was each other.
Remember he raised you to be brave. Remember he told you he never had to worry about you because he knew you would be okay. Remember you have an amazing family. You and the sibs have something so special that will always hold you together even though its not what any of you asked for. Remember to laugh. Remember there is always a way. Remember daddy raised you and his strength, courage and bravery, runs in your veins.
You are the light of the world-
fill my mind with your peace
and my heart with your love.
So hold daddy’s thumb, listen to The Beatles , and tell him you love him over and over again while his breath grows faint.
You are your father’s daughter.
PS- Daddy will visit you in your dreams tonight. Hug him tight. xox